Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
