i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
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I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
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woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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