this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
