I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
