my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
