I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
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Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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