chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
