I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
