if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
