we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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