Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
