Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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