You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
