I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
