Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
