I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
