Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
