There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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