please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
