Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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