I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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