Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
birth control should be required to get into college
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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