hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
