Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
