He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
