I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
