They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Sorry about my life...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
