As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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