Your face is a jimmy john
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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