I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
