did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
