I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
