If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
