Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
