His pubic hair was longer than his dick
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
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i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
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Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill