this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.