It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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