where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
