Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Two words: nipple clamps
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