Welp...herpes.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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