It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
you made out with another girl for some wings
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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