no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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