Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
they need to just BURY HIM!
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
false alarm, still single
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
