I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
