yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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