just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
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