i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
