I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
