K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
