So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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