worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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