I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
