its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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