Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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