It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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