the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
