Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
