I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
