sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
