I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
