i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
