Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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